


Psychosis

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:55:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8573818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In one universe, Yuuri manages to continue skating despite his humiliating loss.In another, he doesn't.





	

After his blunder, he never looks at ice the same way again. 

Every time he sees the smooth surface of an ice rink, his body starts shaking uncontrollably and his breaths come out all jittery and mistimed and sometimes he doesn’t even remember to breathe and – and it’s all so, so wrong. It’s wrong, but he’s tried – god he’s tried – to bear with it and keep going; remedying a wrong is all about taking that first step to correcting it and moving forward, but the very moment he places a single foot on pristine ice he knows immediately that a step is already too much – will probably always be too much. 

In that one fleeting, minuscule second where his skate touches brilliant white, his mind immediately screams with echoes of last place failure not good enough loser why did his nerves have to ruin everything useless – and then it all fades to an endless black before he even feels himself hit the floor.

That is the first, and simultaneously the last, time Yuuri ever tries to get back on ice after his disaster of a season. 

His visits to Ice Castle Hasetsu are nonexistent; his skates stashed away into a dusty closet somewhere while his tracksuits buried under casual shirts and loose jeans. At night he stays in the hot springs long after the heat turns from soothing comfort into fuzzy pain, only getting out when his skin is a painful bright red. Every part of him feels raw afterwards, and the process of dressing makes him wince, but the steam clouds his head and that helps him momentarily forget ice's chill so whim eventually develops into habit. Every day he sees the worry on his family and friends’ faces, can tell that they constantly want to bring up the topic - but he always dismisses himself with hasty excuses whenever they open their mouths to form words that will ultimately do more harm than good. It's the elephant in the room he never wants to address, because Yuuri is at least aware of some of his limits and knows he doesn't have the stomach to face that extra dose of self-depreciation that comes with any mention of what was once his passion. 

No - it's still his passion. His heart still yearns for a release through his skating, but can only beat in grief when he doubles over at the mere thought of ice; his body still hungers for freedom through his movements, but can only shake violently with each sob as he recalls remembers recollects - 

Days begin to turn into weeks which bleed eventually into months, and Yuuri tries to keep from becoming a burden by doing his best to help out around the inn during the day. In the evenings, after his trip to the hot springs, Yuuri secretly practices pulling his lips up in just the right way so that everyone can stop fretting over him – and eventually it pays off and he's convincing enough that the concern on their faces begin to ebb away bit by bit into relief. He becomes good at pretending to be okay, and for little while he even has himself fooled by the act. 

Then the new season starts and his reality, already filled with so many cracks, finally crumbles. 

It’s at dinner when he’s halfway through his second bowl of katsudon, listening absently to the quiet but comfortable conversation around the table, when it happens – everything blurs together and one minute his eyes are on his food and the next they’re on the TV and suddenly he’s running out into the night and then his dinner’s no longer in him but on the ground. He hears the hurried footsteps of his family and Minako-sensei behind him, and an arm quickly wraps itself around his shoulder as he’s led back into the inn. Inside it's deathly quiet now, with the chatter of patrons silenced and the TV muted. Everyone casts him worried glances that he’s much too tired to fend off, but he somehow still manages to piece together a shaky smile before darting up the stairs and locking himself in his room. 

Moron, incompetent - he shouldn't have let his own problems get in the way of other people enjoying the program. He interrupted the entire evening with his actions, ruined everyone's viewing of tonight's airing - useless, pathetic. The tentative sense of normalcy he worked so hard to build up, reduced to dust with just one outburst. Stupid, a failure. 

He jumps at the sudden knock on his door, the sound muffled somewhat underneath the sheet he hides himself under, before a voice calls out. It's Minako-sensei, and Yuuri can tell she's sobered up from the way she no longer slurs her words, asking him if he's alright and if he'll come out for moment? They're all here for him, he's never alone, and they don't want him to feel like he has to hide his feelings from them. She continues for a bit longer, but he's stopped listening because the only thing ringing in his ears is - he's inconvenienced everyone, made them worry. Even without skates, he's managed to mess up.

She's quiet now, finished with what she came to say, waiting for his answer - it's painful, because he's aware that what he's going to say will disappoint everyone, hurt everyone, but he still has to say it anyway. Because he doesn't want to burden them, because he doesn't want to drag them down. He clears his throat, trying to keep his tone neutral so she won't realize that he's already crying like the embarrassment that he is, but his words come out in a croak and that's probably already enough to make her suspect. She knows him well, enough that she won't buy his claims of being okay - of his actions being the result of dinner gone down wrong -, but she also knows enough about him to know that he's stubborn and she won't be able to coax him out tonight. So she leaves after a moment of silence, dejected footfalls trailing off into the distance. 

He doesn't fall asleep until it's well into dawn, when he has no more tears to spill and his mind is tired from replaying images he'd be better off forgetting. 

He wakes up later in the afternoon with lingering images of glimmering silver and breath-taking blue.

**Author's Note:**

> ok i'm absolutely loving all the fluff posted on here for this show, really, but my inner masochist just needs to get hurt. i wanna get angsted on hard but then be left with an unsatisfying ending. that craving still hasn't been entirely fulfilled so i guess i need to stop whining and just do it myself. i love making characters suffer and thus, ultimately make myself suffer.
> 
> so yeah here's the beginning of this mess. there'll be real dialogue in the next chapter. cheers.


End file.
